College

Its weird how I always pictured it would be so easy to write when it came down to it. I find it reasonably easy to write for fun, either here or in a journal. However, when it comes time to write about myself for other people, all of a sudden its like I don't know English anymore. All I can get down is one sentence, and on top of that, it is a pretty horrible sentence.

I need to just sit down and get it done. But I feel like it deserves more than that too. This is the essay that will determine the rest of my life, or at the very least the next four years of it. Nothing I have ever written has had that much weight before.

Also its not like I know what I am writing. How am I supposed to write something to let other people get to know me when I don't even fully know who I am? What are my strengths? Weaknesses? The things that make other people want to hang out with me? The things that drive people away? I DON'T KNOW

I mean I guess I have to stop avoiding it at some point. I only have 14 days left. Shit.

Meaning of Life - Quote

Terry Eagleton, The Meaning of Life:

"The meaning of life is not a solution to a problem, but a matter of living in a certain way. It is not metaphysical, but ethical. It is not something separate from life, but what makes it worth living -- which is to say, a certain quality, depth, abundance, and intensity of life. In this sense, the meaning of life is life itself, seeing in a certain way. Meaning-of-life merchants generally feel let down by such a claim, since it does not seem mysterious and majestic enough. It seems both too banal and too exoteric...It takes the meaning-of-life question out of the hands of a coterie of adepts or cognoscenti and returns it to the routine business of everyday existence. It is just this kind of bathos that Matthew sets up in his gospel, where he presents the Son of Man returning in glory surrounded by angels for the Last Judgement. Despite this off-the-peg cosmic imagery, salvation turns out to be an embarrassingly prosaic affair -- a matter of feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, welcoming the stranger, and visiting the imprisoned. It has no 'religious' glamour or aura whatsoever. Anybody can do it. The key to the universe turns out to be not some shattering revelation, but something which a lot of decent people do anyway, with scarcely a thought. Eternity lies not in a grain of sand but in a glass of water. The cosmos revolves on comforting the sick. When you act in this way, you are sharing in the love which built the stars. To live in this way is not just to have life, but to have it in abundance."

Reality?

So today I was (while also avoiding my research paper due at the end of the week) looking at some philosophy debates online, and I noticed one that really caught my eye. It was questioning reality. These kinds of things really get me because I sometimes find myself questioning existence in itself too. The initial post said this:

Reality, what is reality? do I exist? do you exist? if I chat with a girl on webcam that I have never met and will never meet, or have any intentions of ever meeting, is she real? is she alive? am I real? am I alive? this is a tricky subject.

To be completely honest, it is really hard to argue with this. How do we know we are real? The world today is so obsessed with and needing proof for everything, so where's the proof of this? How do we know that this isn't just a dream or an illusion? I know at least 50% of the people who read this will be like "This is ridiculous" or "Is this girl high?" but it's a valid question.

The reply post I found the most intriguing was as follows:

Could the world be an illusion? You ask.

Even if it is an illusion, we're bound by rules of that illusion. Somebody stabs us with a knife and we die.

Therefore, it does not matter whether we're in the real world or in an illusion. It's the rules that count and we're bound by them, so far as I can tell.

Well it's a good thing someone said something like this or I would never have been brought back to reality, or at least my "reality." I like the thought that goes with this too. Regardless of whether this is real or not, or if things are the way you want it or not, but the fact is there are going to be rules, at least rules of the way the world works which we have no choice but to follow. Life has guidelines, and so does our "reality."

Where I'm From

I'm from home, where people are crazy and will think you're weird but they'll love you anyway.
I'm from home, where a busy life is the only life they know.
I'm from home, where "I'm always right" and everyone will take as long as they need to
prove it.
I'm from home, where everyone is fluent in sarcasm, jokes, and laughter.
I'm from home, where they eat everything and they eat often.
I'm from home, where the weather is always bad enough to complain about, no matter how many times a day it changes.
I'm from home, where clutter takes over but no one can stand the idea of throwing things away.
I'm from home, where there's always a new problem to solve or a new thought to ponder.
I'm from home, where the people care about eachother.
I'm from home, where the people are mine.

When You Will Look Back

Have you ever thought about what your life now will look like when you look back on it 2o years from now? Imagine how stupid you will think all the things that you care so much about now will seem. I mean really. Do you really think that you will care then whether or not you wore makeup to school, or about that obnoxious girl who won't fucking SHUT UP?

But besides even the things you will find stupid. What about the things that you will see as important, like the friends you made? How many of your current friends do you think you are only friends with because you see them 5 times a week? This really gets to me, because even moving from middle school to high school, I saw these kinds of changes. And yes, I know how insignificant middle school is to even mention, but it is the most recent experience with change I have, so it is significant in my life now. My very best friend in middle school went to a different high school than me, and I am sad to say we have barely spoken since. And by barely spoken, I mean a total of 2 emails have gone between us since 8th grade graduation and that is it. Nothing else. Isn't that crazy? I went 4+ years having her be the one I would tell things to and spend all my time with and now the most I have talked to her in 2 years is one email I sent her, in response to one she sent me. This gets to me because now, in high school, I would like to think that I am making lifelong friendships, but who knows how many of these friendships are just obligatory based on how often we see each other? I personally have difficulty with keeping up talking to people if I don't see them often, but I have managed to keep up some friendships with people I don't go to school with over the years. Even still, it is terrifying to think that once again, in a couple years, the ones who I currently feel as though I can't live without will no longer be a part in my life.

So, to all the readers and maybe the future me if I ever read this later in life when it is relevant, I want you to think about all the close friends you had, here in 2015 , and how many of them you are still in touch with. Also, try and picture what you will see as important, or worthwhile and try to do that stuff. I mean, obviously do what you want now too, but don't waste your time on dumb stuff you don't even like now and that you know you won't wish you had done later in life.

But yeah. Just more of my worrying about the future. Hope you enjoyed reading.

"You Only Live Once"

E all know that phrase. You only live once. It's kind of intimidating if you think about it. The life you are living, however long, is all you got. You will never be able to relive this moment. Often times, people say "live like you're dying" to go along with this phrase. Recently, I have had a new realization about this particular phrase. See, most people when they hear "live like you're dying," they think this means life as if the world is ending, you know like those people who when they hear one of those conspiracy theories that the end of the world is today, they sell everything they own and stuff and don't leave anything behind. What I have come to realize that a much more accurate way to interpret this would be to live like you know your life isn't endless. You need to realize that your life will end in order to actually do and say the things you want to. Once you know you are limited, you know that time is of the essence and that you might not be able to say "I love you" tomorrow. To live like you are dying is not to say and do things you will regret if you do in fact live on, but to leave things in a way that you would be happy with having it be the last time you did that particular thing. You should leave a meeting with a friend happy, and with a sense of completeness. Don't leave things in a fight or by saying something that would have bad repercussions on your friendship. Live in a way that leaves you with a sense of completeness and so that any given day or meeting leaves you happy and you would be fine with it being your last.

I hope I explained that properly. I'm not always the best at getting my words out. But this is just what of think.

(Please excuse any typos- I typed this on a tablet so autocorrect was going wild)

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A Note to the Drama Guild Members at My School

To whom it may concern (aka the drama guild at my high school):

Hi. I know I am knew in this group, and I get that I don't really get to go judging you yet, because, like I said, I'm new. But there are a few things that I don't know you realize you are doing that is, aside from really annoying, really obnoxious, and this letter is a polite invitation for you to stop. So here's the list (yes there's a list- get your head out of your ass):

1. This is a musical put on by a private high school- no one cares where you take your voice lessons. Right before auditions, I noticed you were all comparing your resumes and nervously asking each other, "Oh my god, should I put that I take voice at ____ and have been since the womb?" It's not that big of a deal. Get over yourselves.
2. Similarly, there is no need to print out a formal resume in the first place. I don't know where you think you are, but it sure as hell isn't Broadway. There is plenty of space on the audition sheet to write all the plays the school has previously put on that you were in, even though they clearly already know you were in it because ITS THE SAME SCHOOL! 
3. We get that you are all amazing singers, but there is only one amazing singing role. I know you all think that the better your voice sounds, the better your part will be, but the fact of the matter is, in this particular play, there is only one lead singing role really. Which means that only one of you can get it. SO... what I am saying is that some of you better stop singing songs for the main role and start singing something that makes you a shoe-in for a second best role because otherwise, your "amazing" voice is gonna end up in the chorus.
4. Stop getting so defensive about call backs, you know they are coming and you know that people other than yourself will be getting . You were also at auditions, so you saw how every single one of you tried to showcase their voice as much as possible. That means that since all of you seemed to be trying out for the lead part, (gasp!), they are going to have to call you all back to have you sing again. So don't be surprised when all the other veteran members get a call back for the same parts you did. Also, don't start rumors that some people got call backs for something they didn't, because seen as you are all drama queens (punny right?), someone will be furious that they got a call back for that part and they didn't so there will be a huge drama fest and school work will be at stake because they will refuse to work with that person and honestly, it is not that big of a deal.

Don't think that's all, I just can't think of anymore right now. But in the meantime, work on these ones, ok? Then I will be a much happier member of the drama guild, and won't hate you all so much.

With (conditional) love,

Grainne